Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Friday, August 14th. Our host is the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. It took attending a FamilyLife Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference for Bob Dovey to realize his marriage was in trouble.
And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the Friday edition. I know whenever I have the opportunity to speak at one of our FamilyLife Weekend to Remember Marriage Conferences you look out at the crowd and you can tell there are some folks who are there and what their face is saying is please fix my spouse while we are here this weekend. You know what I mean?
Dennis: I do. In fact we don’t pass out elbow pads to save the ribs of their spouses but…
Bob: No nudging allowed at the conference.
Dennis: You can look at the faces and know their spouse is probably going to pay the price this weekend for a couple of well placed shots in the side.
Bob: Well, you know Jesus is Matthew 7 talks about we are all good at spotting specks in one another’s eyes but we are not very good at seeing the log that is in our own eye. When I’m speaking at the conference I will tell couples if you brought your spouse here saying I hope you will fix my spouse we are not going to even talk to your spouse this weekend.
Dennis: That’s right. You’re more than likely in for a surprise because what generally happens is you are the one who ends up benefitting from God going to work on you. You are going to come out of it a better person as a result of attending the Weekend to Remember.
Bob: It really is a great get away for couples. It’s fun, romantic and relaxing. In fact we make it sound like you have to have marital problems to go to a Weekend to Remember but in reality most of the folks who are coming are coming for some preventive maintenance.
Dennis: They are there to make a fine marriage into a fantastic marriage.
Bob: Yes. And right now FamilyLife Today listeners have an opportunity to consider attending one of our upcoming Weekend to Remember Marriage Conferences. We have a special offer going. If you and your spouse register for a conference at the regular registration rate we are going to send you a certificate for another couple to attend as your guests absolutely free.
That could be your kids. That could be brother and sister in law or your sister and brother in law. It could be your mom and dad.
Dennis: It could be a couple who are getting married later on and you give it to them as a wedding gift.
Bob: In fact you don’t have to attend together. You can live in opposite sides of the country.
Dennis: You’re not talking about the husband and wife, right? (laughter)
Bob: Right, the two couples don’t necessarily have to attend at the same time. When you sign up right now to attend an upcoming Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference you sign up for the regular registration fee and we will send you a second certificate absolutely free. That offer is good for FamilyLife Today listeners and it is only good through the weekend. So go to FamilyLife Today.com or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Get more information about when a conference is coming to a city near where you live. If you registering online put my name “Bob” in the promo code box that you will see on the registration form. When you register you’ll automatically receive the second registration at no additional cost.
Or you can call at 1-800-FL-TODAY and say I listen to FamilyLife Today and Bob told me to call. We will send along the certificate for the second registration absolutely free. Go online now or give us a call and plan to attend an upcoming Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference.
Dennis: If you haven’t been I really want to encourage you. Now is the time to get away and experience what really could be a weekend to remember for both of you. I’m excited today Bob that we have a chance to talk to a couple who attended our Weekend to Remember. Bob and Valerie Dovey. They are from Lake Worth, Florida. Bob and Valerie, welcome to FamilyLife Today.
Bob Dovey: How ya doing, guys? Good to talk to you.
Valerie: Hi, how are you?
Dennis: Good to talk to you. Tell us how you guys met and how you ended up at a FamilyLife Marriage Conference.
Valerie: Okay. I would say it was 1970 – was it 8 or 9, Bob?
Bob Dovey: We didn't start dating until, '79, I believe, wasn't it?
Valerie: Okay, because we used to work together at a company called Lindsley Lumber, that's kind of like a Home Depot.
Bob: Uh-huh, and how long before you were married?
Valerie: Oh, we were married in October of 1980.
Bob Dovey: Not quite a year …
Valerie: So not quite a year.
Dennis: I noticed in your letter here, Bob, that you said, "When my wife and I were married, though it was in a church, we were not Christians" …
Bob Dovey: … right …
Dennis: … "and like most couples, we winged our way through marriage based on our instincts or what we saw our parents do."
Bob Dovey: That's right.
Valerie: That's right.
Bob Dovey: But isn't that how the world does it? Basically, I could have said it that way, but I guess my point being is, it's amazing – I grew up in a church. A catholic church. I was an altar boy and a Eucharistic minister. I knew all about Jesus but had no personal relationship with Him. It doesn't matter whether you're in church or not. It matters if you've gone to the point of a relationship.
Bob: So the first 13 years of your marriage the spiritual dimension really wasn't there?
Bob Dovey: Not at all.
Dennis: It wasn't long after that that you found a mistress.
Bob Dovey: Yes, and I think I put it that way quite on purpose, because it was after the fact, and I've had a chance to look back and reflect. I realize that, you know, you can kind of get proud of yourself and say, well, you know, my wife and I weren't really – our love had gotten cold, and I could pat myself on the back if I wanted to and say, "Well, you know, I never fooled around on my wife. She's been the only person in my life." Because I grew up in a pretty stable family, so when you stop and think about it, you realize, well, all I did was trade off another woman for another activity, whether it had been a sport or whatever else.
It might even be church for some people, which I found out later was something I had to watch out for, but in my case it happened to be something that I was somewhat successful at, and so I put my passion and heart and soul in politics, and that became, in effect, my mistress, because of my struggle at home with the relationship with my wife. Then politics became my new passion.
Dennis: And, Valerie, he was so successful he would stay gone all day and into the wee hours of the night and …
Valerie: … oh, yes …
Dennis: … and you would write him letters?
Valerie: Yes, occasionally, because I would just finally give up and, you know, his dinner would be cold and I had – the kids, I'd finally have them in bed, so I'd just leave, you know, little notes for him.
Bob: Bob if I'd have asked you about your marriage, rated on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you have told me?
Bob Dovey: Well, I was blind to a lot of things. I probably would have – I would have been wrong, but I probably would have rated it on a scale of 3 or 4 or 5, maybe, simply because it was there. You know, it was something I could come to anytime I wanted to.
As far as passion, there really wasn't much passion there not outside of frustration but, remember, I was getting some of those passion needs met in politics, and I guess that was the point. That's where the failure was, because when I thought to get to my passion was still there, if you will, I actually drew away from my wife. I didn't even notice it at that point and, really, wasn't so worried about the relationship. But it also hurt the kids, obviously. They didn't have a dad home when they needed him.
Bob: Valerie, what about you? Where would you have rated your marriage at that point?
Valerie: I probably would have rated it, based on that timeframe, probably still, like, a 6, but yet – as far as how we got along when we were together, but – I would have rated it lower, based on the fact that he was never home.
Bob: So when you were together, things were okay, it's just you weren't together very often?
Valerie: Right.
Bob Dovey: Well, I don't know if they were always okay. It was, like, well, you know, you guys talk about two ships passing in the night. It was okay because we had other issues to deal with. She had to run a home, and I had to run political campaigns, and as long as we're together, there wasn't as much, maybe, stress, if you want to put it that way, but that's because we really didn't have much going at all. We were like good, casual friends or acquaintances more than we were husband and wife.
Bob: You know, I'm listening to this story, Dennis, and I'm thinking of a friend of mine who recently found out that he had termites. Prior to that time, he was living in a house that was infested with termites, he just didn't realize it. They were eating away at the structure of his home, and he was kind of merrily going on his way without realizing it. And in a lot of marriages today, you've got couples who just aren't aware of the termites that are at work in their marriage.
Dennis: And when you've got termites in your trough, and it's doing structural damage to the marriage and to the family, many times when the walls start crumbling, and the foundation has been undermined, many feel like it's too late to do any rebuilding or restructuring at that point, but that's not the case.
We're seeing couples by the thousands come to a FamilyLife Marriage Conference, and because they've never heard the scriptural blueprints for how a man and a woman live in the most intimate of all relationships for a lifetime – when they get those blueprints, that brings about a new foundation, a new hope, and, in many cases, not only eradicates most of the termites but gives them a new structure to move forward with.
Bob: Valerie, let me ask you, when Bob came to faith in Christ, first of all, were you aware of what was going on spiritually in his life, and did you notice any difference in him or in the marriage?
Valerie: No, I wasn't aware, really, of a whole lot. However, I did notice a change in him gradually.
Bob: And what was that – what were you noticing? What change?
Valerie: Paying more attention to the fact that he had a family.
Dennis: While he would go to church, though, on Sunday morning and take your boys …
Valerie: … right.
Dennis: You would sleep in?
Valerie: Yes, I would.
Dennis: You had no interest in spiritual matters?'
Valerie: I had absolutely none – I grew up with none and had no interest in it.
Dennis: When he asked you to go to the FamilyLife Marriage Conference, and that represented a spiritual weekend, that wasn't exactly at the top of your priority list?
Valerie: No, it wasn't. I was very reluctant about going. However, I knew that –I'm a people pleaser, and if I knew that that's what was going to please him – for me to go – then that's what I was going to do.
Bob: What did you think you were in for that weekend? What were you expecting?
Valerie: Actually, I had no idea what I was in for at all.
Bob: Bob, you hadn't been to one of these conferences. Had somebody told you about it?
Bob Dovey: First of all, I did get involved just before that, a year before that, with Promise Keepers. I had a godly young man come up to me and he looked me right in the eye and said, you know, "How are you treating your family?" And that really put me under a conviction I thought about a lot.
When I heard your advertisement for FamilyLife, I knew that, in years past, in some of those letters that my wife wrote me, she would suggest maybe we needed some counseling. At the time I just was, phhht, you know, we don't need that. At that point, my wife got somewhat cold with me. I mean, she did what she needed to do, and she was a wife, but the passion wasn't there, and I decided I really did need some help with that, that I really didn't know what I needed to know.
Dennis: So you convinced her to go to the conference, and there you set on Friday night at a FamilyLife Marriage Conference. I want to read something you wrote to us in a letter. You said, "Then came our first conference. All by ourselves, and we were feeling like goldfish in a shark tank."
Valerie: Yes.
Bob Dovey: "My wife wasn't exactly thrilled." What were you feeling, sitting there in the ballroom there, Valerie?
Valerie: I wasn't really sure. I understood the concept and what was being told – or taught – and enjoyed the speakers very much, I just wasn't real sure. I guess I just maybe had my blinders on for a while.
Bob L.: Were you thinking, "Maybe this will fix him?"
Valerie: No, that didn't even cross my mind.
Dennis: Actually, Bob, he was thinking that it would fix Valerie.
Valerie: That's right. It was just the opposite.
Dennis: And during the weekend, Bob, you found out that you were the one that needed to be fixed at that point.
Bob Dovey: Big time. The Holy Spirit worked on me so hard on Sunday, and I came away – I wasn't even thinking about what Valerie was getting out of it on Sunday, I was just – I felt under conviction. I really had some things to think about, and – especially when it came to the "Husbands and Dads" session that you have on Sunday morning – very powerful.
Bob: You had hoped that maybe Valerie's spiritual lights would come on that weekend? And she heard the gospel presented but, as you came away from the conference, Valerie, nothing had happened spiritually in your life, had it?
Valerie: No.
Bob: Bob, was that disappointing?
Bob Dovey: Oh, very. You can know theologically that God works in His own time and not on yours, but I thought, you know, "Lord, I really made a step out here, and I need Your help," and I mean, I prayed this weeks ahead of time. I look back at the weekend and thought, "Boy, my wife just got right through that, and it didn't mean anything." And I really thought, you know, I need some help here. How am I going to get to her now if that didn't work? But it did.
Bob: Yeah, of course – yeah, when we say that nothing happened, there were some seeds planted that weekend, weren't there?
Bob Dovey: I think I got broken a little bit. As I drove home I couldn't hardly even drive. I couldn't see out of my eyes. I was weeping. I pulled over to the side of the road a couple of blocks from the house, right in the middle of the neighborhood. My wife looked out, and I put the car in "Park," and I just turned around and looked at her, and I really didn't even know what to say, except, "Boy, I have a whole lot to be sorry for, and it ain't gonna happen that way anymore."
Bob: You begged her for forgiveness for neglecting her all those years?
Bob Dovey: I did, and, obviously, we've moved ahead. There's more work to be done. It's a process, but I really felt that I wanted to give her the message that I was committed in doing that work – starting that day and moving forward.
Dennis: Valerie, what were you thinking, parked beside that street with your husband sobbing?
Valerie: I was really quite surprised and wondering, actually, what got into him, because I had never seen him cry like that – never.
Dennis: Did you forgive him at that point?
Valerie: Oh, yes, I most certainly did.
Bob: One of the action points that came for you guys out of that event was a decision to start dating again, right?
Valerie: Yes.
Bob: What does that look like for you now, Valerie?
Valerie: We still have our date night every Saturday night.
Bob: And what do you do?
Valerie: Oh, everything from going to dinner to just staying at home and telling the kids, "Pretend we're not here tonight" and lock the door, to going to a movie or, you know, just taking a walk – anything.
Bob: What has that discipline meant for your marriage do you think?
Valerie: It's meant a lot because we've been able to actually communicate, I think, a whole lot better, because we're taking the time to communicate to each other.
Bob: Let me just have Bob comment on that as well.
Bob Dovey: She's so kind. You know as well as I do, it's a process, but I think at first we didn't try to push communication too much, just tried to get to know each other in little nuances, like, just spending' time together, and when we approach issues – I have to tell you, my wife is very gracious, and …
Valerie: … thank you …
Bob Dovey: … she was willing to take the time to listen, because I'm the one that had to do most of the realizing where we came from and taken husband-and-father headship of the house and taken responsibility for where we'd been. She's made the process easy, and we can talk about a lot of these things and, again, we're still learning that. That's why we go every year. Every year we look back at what we've accomplished in the year, and then we look forward to what we're going to pick up the next year.
Dennis: Valerie, I want to ask you – was it his confession in that parked car or the dates that convinced you practically of his love for you and ultimately headed you down a spiritual road yourself where you finally received Christ?
Valerie: I would say it's more of the dates.
Dennis: Really? Why?
Valerie: I guess because when we would have our date night, he would talk about different things that were taking place at the church, or that the kids were doing in youth group, or talk about other married couples in the church, and they would like to – you know, for us to get together with them and go out to dinner and, you know, socialize with them, and, I don't know, it just seemed to bring me closer, because I was curious to see what he had.
Bob: You were seeing a fairly dramatic change …
Valerie: … oh, yes …
Bob: … in the man you'd married.
Valerie: Oh, yes.
Bob: You had to wonder, "What's really going on here," didn't you?
Valerie: Yes, I sure did. And when he'd come back from Promise Keepers, he would be even more of a completely different person.
Dennis: You know, not only has your marriage benefited from the FamilyLife Marriage Conference, but you all have now begun to reach out to others and invite friends and neighbors to attend?
Valerie: Yes.
Bob Dovey: Yes, we had never been to a conference, since the first, by ourselves. We always have at least one more couple, and last year we took five or six couples, and this year it looks like we'll take even more. Some of those couples came because – my wife is the big promoter – I am, too …
Dennis: … now, wait a second. Valerie is starting to promote these things?
Valerie: Yes.
Dennis: This is the non-religious Valerie who had to be drug to the first one?
Valerie: That's right.
Dennis: What happened ,Valerie?
Valerie: Like I said, I didn't know what I was in for when we went the first time around, but once it was all over with and said and done, I enjoyed it so much that I couldn't wait to go back the next year.
Dennis: And you guys have now been to four, getting ready to go to your fifth?
Valerie: Yes.
Bob Dovey: Right.
Bob: Tell us how you go about deciding who you're going to invite and inviting them. How do you do that?
Valerie: I don't really think that there is a process. I just kind of attack every married couple.
Bob: I can't beat that answer. All I can say is we do pay attention to those who look like they can use a hand up and that, and, you know we all have a story. Ours may not be like theirs, but if we can tell our story, and we can get some people interested, because I don't care what they look like – remember when I was in politics. I looked pretty good. I was fairly successful, but inside in our relationship we were dying, and I lose people out there.
So my wife's right. She gets a hold of everybody and me, I press hardest for the ones that look like, you know, or the ones that I get to know well enough to know that this is something that can help them, too.
Dennis: Well, give all of the listeners right now your challenge to attend this conference. Why should they go?
Valerie: Why should they go? Well, I’m going to say this is the thing that I attack all the couples with is – I don't care how good of a marriage you think you might have, it can always be better.
Bob: Yes, 'cause when you went to the first one, you told me it was a 6 or a 7 at that point, right?
Valerie: Right.
Bob: But once you looked at it a little harder, you saw where the holes were?
Valerie: Yes.
Dennis: And what is it now?
Valerie: I would say it's more like a 9 or a 10.
Dennis: Really?
Valerie: Oh, yes.
Dennis: He's changed that much?
Valerie: Oh, yes, he has, and I'm looking forward to that figure going up.
Bob: You know, we really didn't hear the story of how things finally solidified in your own heart and mind, Valerie, about a relationship with Christ.
Valerie: Gosh, I don't even know how to explain that. Something got a hold of me, kind of gave me that little, teeny bit of desire to have something that I didn't have before.
Bob: Oftentimes, Dennis, in this kind of situation, where someone comes to faith in Christ, and you see a dramatic change – for the other person it may be a little more subtle or, over time, but just that transformed person around you, inch by inch, step by step, you move in the right direction.
Dennis: You know, what I found interesting, as Bob and Valerie have shared here and, Bob, it was your prayers for Valerie, praying that for weeks in advance that your wife would come to faith in Christ at the conference, when the Lord twisted those prayers back on you and changed you to such a point where those date nights and your love for Valerie would end up being the springboard that would help her move into a relationship with Christ.
And I think, many times, we may underestimate Christ working in our own life and how it's not us preaching, it's not us just praying for our spouses, but it's us applying God's word in our marriages, with us loving our spouses, that makes a huge difference in their lives and, Bob and Valerie, I want to thank you for sharing with us today just a little of your story. You guys are tremendous, and I hope you keep attacking couples, Valerie …
Valerie: … yes, sir…
Dennis: … inviting them to the FamilyLife Marriage Conference.
Valerie: I certainly will.
Bob: You may want to call some folks today and through the weekend since this is your last opportunity that FamilyLife Today listeners have to register for an upcoming conference and if you register at the regular rate another couple can come as your guests absolutely free. It’s a buy-one-get-one free opportunity but it’s only good through the weekend.
We are hoping folks with go online at FamilyLife Today.com or call us at 1-800-FL-TODAY. When you register as a couple at the regular rate you can bring another couple with you or you can send another couple. If someone lives across the country and you want them to attend you register and attend in your city and the certificate can be sent to them and they can go in their city.
It’s a buy-one-get one opportunity for FamilyLife Today listeners and it is only good through this weekend. If you want to take advantage of this here is what you ought to do. Go to our web site FamilyLife Today.com where you will find out all the information about the conference. You can find out when it is coming to a city near where you live. All the details are there. You can register online if you like and if you do that you have to identify yourself as a FamilyLife Today listener. You can do that when you fill out your registration form online by typing my name “Bob” in the promo code box.
When the registration is complete you’ll be registered to attend and we will also send you a certificate for another couple to attend absolutely free.
If it is easier just call 1-800-FL-TODAY. That’s 1-800-358-6329. Someone of our team can answer any questions you have and get you registered over the phone. Mention on the phone that Bob sent me and they will make sure you get the certificate for the second couple to attend absolutely free as well.
Let me also encourage you if you are on our web site FamilyLife Today.com we have the Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference on audio CD. If for some reason you cannot attend the conference this fall but you’d still like to hear the messages you can order the complete CD series from us online at FamilyLife Today.com. Or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY and ask about the FamilyLife Weekend to Remember on audio CD.
I want to mention we heard recently from a listener who wrote and said,
“Two months ago I asked my husband to leave our home. This is a couple who had been married for 20 years. We’d been through counseling and we both wanted to try and preserve our marriage but it just was not working.
This weekend away from the routine of life forced us to concentrate on our relationship. When we wrote each other a love letter it reminded me of all the reasons God brought us together. Now I’m looking forward to at least another 20 years together. I’m renewed and refreshed. Our marriage is better than ever.”
That’s what happens for a lot of couples at the Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference and if your marriage could use a little renewing or refreshing let me encourage you to go online and register for the upcoming Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference or call us at 1-800-FL-TODAY.
With that we need to wrap things up for today. Thanks for joining us. I hope you can be back with us on Monday when we will spend some time with Voddie Baucham. We are going to hear about the kind of young man a young man needs to be before he comes to seek Voddie’s permission for his daughter’s hand in marriage. That’s a subject of a new book that Voddie has written and I hope you can join us for the conversation on Monday.
I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. Have a great weekend and we’ll see you Monday for another edition of FamilyLife Today.
FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.
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